You are not entirely wrong, if youre convinced, My husband puts his friends and family before me. Tell your husband that you have no issues visiting your in-laws but if it could be made an alternative week affair then as a couple you could have some me-time. But instead of festering and fighting with him, you could think of taking some steps so that he could balance his own family and your aspirations as well. Media Kit. Related Reading: 5 reasons why the Indian family is killing the Indian marriage. 1. Still not sure what to do about your husband taking the side of his family over you? The thing is, when your husband lived with his parents, his priorities were different. If your husband spends time with his parents straight after coming home from work, keeps chatting with them for hours and then heads off to sleep without spending time with you, then its a concern. Tell your husband to ask his parents to choose one destination and the second holiday destination will be your choice. You might get annoyed when he's at that darn video game again or watching the Walking Dead marathon until he starts to resemble a zombie himself. Its not uncommon in married life for there to be fights and arguments between a wife and a mom-in-law or husband and father-in-law. And so did he. I receive a commission if you choose to purchase anything after clicking on them. Health . But definitely, it is also a given that you would support each other in looking after your respective families. If you dont say it, your husband wont know it. You need to constantly work on your team-playing skills as youre not born with them. But what to do if your mother-in-law tags along everywhere? If your husband sees that he's neglecting his family in . People also start to take each other for granted and reactdifferently to, Why is it that we only hear about women being difficult acceptors? If you see that your husband is prioritising his family and spending time with them more, then you can also start doing the same. Just because you feel neglected and want him to ignore his family for the rest of his life, doesnt mean he has to accept that. Or will he accept the fact that he overlooked your emotions? Still not sure what to do about your husband taking the side of his family over you? A caring son could also mean a caring husband. We've detected your location as Mumbai. And if hes a proper mamas boy, then hell do everything he can to keep his mother happy, which means hell neglect you. Include your own parents in your family holidays and when he is buying sarees for his mom, buy the same ones for your mom too. Furthermore, there may be instances when a husband has choose his family over his wife a variety of unforeseeable family emergencies can develop, requiring a son's attention. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships and is passionate about writing on them. We dont get to choose our family members, but we do get to choose our life partners. Does your husband choose his family over you? Our vision is to become a supportive community where youll feel that theres someone out there who gets you, supports you in creating and keeping strong bonds between your families and friends. Does your husband provide a large part of his income to his parents and family that leaves you and the kids struggling at the end of the month? If you cant stand for her, let her at least stand for herself. Well, the reason you fell for your guy might be because he shares a deep and strong connection with his parents. You have the right to make your own decisions. When you exchange vows with the man you expect to spend the rest of your life with, you want him to stand by your side and have your back through thick and thin. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. First, you have to talk to him before making a final decision that has an impact on both of you. Focus on yourself. Get expert help figuring out a plan of action if your husband chooses his family over you. When she says something nasty about you, he doesn't stick up for you. This is a reality many married women face in India. You honor your parents when you put your spouse first. Will he just ignore it? Avail years best deals on our marriage courses! We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. Lets get this straight. You shouldnt hold any grudges or ghost him he doesnt deserve that. Send an equal amount of money to your parents and start visiting your cousins more, just as your husband does. They care about you. One excuse thats commonly heard in situations where your husband chooses his family over you is theyve been family to me longer than weve been a couple.. P.S. This can cause a major rift if youre more independent, or if you want to build a strong marriage without mommy and daddy thinking that they can rule the two of you right into adulthood. He simply disagreed. So, what to do when your husband is too attached to his family? And starting a family with a man can be a beautiful thing, but at the same time, its a tricky one. In such instances, the husband is also reduced to fighting against his wife, in favour of his mother. I jumped at the idea of moving in with his family (Mom, Dad, 22 year old brother, and 16 year old . 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Such incidents will, obviously, lead to arguments and fights. Healthy communication with your partner means you always talk about everything with him and make all of your decisions together. You honor your children when you put your spouse first. Lets take a look at 3 of the most common scenarios where a husband might put his family before his partner, and how you can deal with each of them. If you see that most of your husbands income is given away to his parents for the upkeep of their home and you are left struggling with the finances at the end of the month, then it becomes really frustrating. But every time, you tried to normalize their toxic behaviors in the name of respect for elders. Men, at times of conflict, either run away or take their mothers side. Consistently choosing their mom over their wife and children. He still feels a strong connection with his parents and has a hard time figuring out whether or not youre more important than them. And most marriages dont have any issues with their in-laws as most of them live their separate lives and are aware that they should mind their own business. Why is it that we only hear about women being difficult acceptors? Even by those he loves. The problem seems to be when your mother-in-law and father-in-law suddenly become intruders. And, in case you find yourself helpless to protect your wifes honor and dignity at least dont stop her from protecting herself. With help from my therapist, I heard him. The question of who should come first is further complicated for religious couples, who also have to figure out where God fits into . This can cause a lot of trust issues and distress in the marriage. If it has come to the point that you needed to put that question into words, the chances are that youre not going to like the reply as well. If he insists on spending every weekend with his family, you are well within your rights to say no and to do your own thing instead sometimes, especially if your relationship with his family is a little strained. I think you are making the same mistake a lot of step-parents make instead of accepting the reality of the situation. Just know that the more you and your husband can stand up and stand firm, the more his parents will eventually get the message. This brings us to the perennial dilemma of what to do when your husband is too attached to his family. And then post marriage, you wonder why your husband chooses his family, again and again,hurting you in the process. He asks you to lie about wanting kids or about being Catholic, so that she'll approve of you. Unfortunately, the same applies to their sons. For example, if they try to suggest Rose for the name of your forthcoming daughter, but you have another name in mind, politely state: Thats a lovely name, but were very keen on Catherine, actually., Or if they try to muscle in on a family holiday that was meant just for the two of you and your children, respond by saying: Were really looking forward to some quality time just the 3/4/5 of us, but why dont we plan a weekend away with all of us later in the year?. Your husband may even be pretty cheery when relatives come, but he can also be oblivious about you getting stressed attending to the entourage. Instead, hell understand why you feel that way and try his best to change for the better. Theres little to zero privacy and your relationship with your husband will be heavily tested because of it. It makes you feel worthless and like you have to compete with his family for his attention. My husband always supports his mother the more you let this thought fester in your mind, the harder it will be to accept their bond. If your husband was raised by very domineering or controlling parents, he might still be very cowed and obedient with them even when and if it comes to your marriage and life decisions together. Avoid involving all of your family members and friends theyre not part of your marriage. As such, he needs to understand that compromises need to be made. Should Your Spouse Be Your First Priority? Sit with your husband and work out a budget as to how much should go to your husbands family and how much should be kept for your own. I will always protect you!. Rajesh is a protective and caring son, and Meenu treats that affection as an affront to her place in her life. Ask him to ensure that his parents dont overspend a lot, the same way you maintain a strict budget. I refuse to let people stomp on my dignity and self-respect, while you stand silently. Likewise, you can come to an agreement about what would be an acceptable frequency for his guys night outs. That is the reason you got married. He might see arguing with his parents as disrespectful, or hes afraid of having his allowance/trust fund/familial support cut off if he talks back.. Manage Settings Privacy Policy . An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. But, refuse to blind yourself to the toxic behaviors that your wife is made victim to. If you are living with the in-laws you cannot really restrict relative visits because the elderly people are usually free to entertain guests. In most Indian families, especially in joint ones, sons are expected to be there and fulfil every need of their parents, even if it means prioritising them more than their wife. Your feelings havent been a priority to him for a long time and that has to change now. If I come last for you, then you dont deserve the right to come first for me.. Even if you're determined to respect his guy time, you're only human. It may seem like he loves them more than he loves you. And for them, you have been giving that zip-lining and bungee jumping holidays a miss. As a consequence, your man spent a significant amount of time with his family, be it family dinners, gatherings, or game nights. My husband has always catered to his family. Get your dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox. The theory is that without a strong marriage and loving home, kids won't thrive, so you're doing them a disservice by putting your spouse on the back burner, which can lead to marital trouble and even divorce. Perhaps, whatever free time he does get between work and other responsibilities, he spends it hanging out with his friends. ETimes is an Entertainment, TV & Lifestyle industry's promotional website and carries advertorials and native advertising. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. There are no constant knocks on the door by his family to get their thoughts across. Your husband is in control of his life, not you. If you stayed at work until everything was finished, if you took advantage of every opportunity that came your way, if you sought out every angle to maximize your abilities, improve your job skills, and advance your career, you would never go home. Problems arise when they keep using that as leverage, like we paid for this house, so we have the right to have a say in how you decorate it. Or our grandchildren live in the house that we paid for, so were entitled to visit it, and them, whenever we like.. You and your partner must put in an equal amount of effort, propose solutions, and have each others backs no matter what. But God forbid you say anything about her. 4. Or does he rush to help his little sister with every little crisis she may have, leaving you grappling with the feeling my husband always chooses his sister over me. If he continues to only support his mother, tell him that its going to be a huge problem in the upcoming future. Marriage is all about give and take. Work together to find a solution for this particular problem. This way he should be able to understand his faults and then, in turn, you both can set some healthy boundaries in the marriage. Resentment would create negativity in your relationship. All Rights Reserved | Contact Us | Advertise | Privacy Policy, If Your Husband Chooses His Family Over You, Heres What To Do. Its fine to be a son, but dont forget you are a husband too! Sometimes the decision such as which college your son should study in or when your daughter should come back home become topics of family round table conferences. "I don't hate cats. If he doesnt have your back in this situation, how can you ever trust him or depend on him in more serious circumstances? If you are living with your in-laws, it might happen that your husband comes back home and heads straight to his parents room and comes out of there only after an hour or two? Especially when children come along. Try to ignore the bad things and look for the good ones.. Everyone is living under the same roof, 4. It breaks my heart that when I was insulted, you never stood up for me. When my uncles Anil and Anant married, they took advantage of a heinous custom in Marathi weddings. After the pheras, a dish of uncooked rice is placed before the newlyweds, and whatever name the husband chooses to write in the rice becomes the new name of his wife. Indian mothers-in-law are said to be pretty possessive about their sons and so, at times they cause unnecessary fights and arguments with their daughter-in-law. Dont normalize the toxic behavior just because they are your parents or siblings. It's on the Rogue River with 10 acres, a beautiful 3500 sqft home and an Adu above the barn. One excuse that's commonly heard in situations where your husband chooses his family over you is "they've been family to me longer than we've been a couple." Basically, that because they've all known one another and supported one another for as long as your husband has been alive, they - and their views, wants, needs, and preferences - need to take precedence over yours. We share subjects that impact your daily life and we primarily discuss and write about all things related to relationships, breakups, mental health, astrology and much more. You comfort them because they know you're safe and secure and that their grandchildren are well cared for. While youre dealing with this issue, make your self-care an absolute priority. So why not chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out before its too late. And thats a beautiful thing. It can seem that your marriage is falling apart and that your husbands spending more time with his family than with you. Sure, he may be very close with his blood family, but he chose you to be part of this family. Just ignore., You need to stop being so emotional or touchy. Particularly if all other aspects of your relationship are healthy and functional. Still, youre wondering: What has this anything to do with you? Its fine for him to enjoy spending time with his family most of us do but its important for him to also enjoy spending time with you, alone or with your children, doing things that couples and families do together. Youre contemplating the reasons for his actions and even if the two of you have a future together anymore. To this day, all their conflicts around Meenus complaint, My husband always supports his mother. No matter how much she resents him for it, Rajesh continues to be the dutiful son. They just secretly hope that hell get out of his mothers shadow and take control of his own life. Angry Netizens Call Akshay Creepy Old Uncle As His Video Of Lifting Actresses In Arms Goes Viral, Pimples Vs Cold Sores: Differences, Causes & Treatment, 16 Hair Fall Reasons Behind Your Sudden Hair Loss. You can work on a budget accordingly and make a list of the activities you would want to do. If your husband isnt willing to support you and stand up for you while youre being disrespected by his parents, siblings, or extended family members, then you need to ask yourself whether youre okay facing that kind of abuse forever. Really close. As such, they may not be aware of how unhealthy it is, or how badly their family members behavior is affecting you. 1. Dont nag him or demand that he choose right away between his family and you. We celebrate the happy, imperfect love without judgment or bias, and strive to help people love more mindfully by viewing their relationship patterns from the lens of mental health and psychology. In that case, you have to understand his true feelings or maybe encourage him to break the patriarchal norms of the family. Once your husband receives help for his addiction, he will . Instead of resenting this, feel happy that your husband feels for his mother and wants to give her the best. But dont do it with a sense of vengeance or to get back at him. As a wife, you have to realize when your husband chooses his family he is actually making a tightrope walk and succumbing to a lot of pressure. That way your husband does not get to choose his family over you. Loving your mother and loving your wife are two completely. "My husband always supports his mother" - the more you let this thought fester in your mind, the harder it will be to accept their bond. We suggest that you learn to pick your battles. I didnt leave my parents and my home to be treated like an educated maid. The dynamics of a house changes when a new person comes in. Show him these rewards and it'll give him reasons to keep trying and growing. If he is not there, you could say, "I need to talk to my husband about that. Related Reading: Setting Boundaries With In-laws 8 No Fail Tips. Pour your energy into hobbies and personal pursuits. When two people tie the knot, no matter how much time they have spent together before, something changes. He wants to keep the peace between everyone, 3. If your husband is selfish, he may not realize the rewards of being generous and kind. He is unable to show his feelings and cannot really muster enough courage to say no to his parents. Why is it that mothers find it that difficult to see their son be. Family issues are always tricky. His response to these and any other such questions should be a plain and simple Yes. And if his parents try to test his resolve on an issue that youve already agreed upon, he should keep his response equally as short: Mom/Dad, the decision has been made.. Because marriage isnt about who is wrong and who is right. Be completely open with him and tell him how these relationships have been making you feel isolated and neglected. Does he take their side or let them disrespect you? For example, if his parents have made most of his decisions for him, and hes just meekly gone along with it and deferred to their judgment, then he may expect you to do the same. Dont expect that you can avoid having any arguments and conflicts with your in-laws if youre living in the same house. Best sneakers, best brands! all about love and couple relationships in their varied forms. This is a tricky situation, and one that can easily be made worse with the wrong approach. I don't hate animals - as I said, I love them. However, the relationship, in itself, is not as easy. It requires you to have a lot of understanding and compassion. We all know one and your man might be one, but you failed to see it before getting hitched. Neither you nor any of his relatives can have an influence on his decisions. How Do You Fix Emotional Detachment in a Relationship? The famous mamas boy. When a Job Steals Time From the Marriage and Family Your situation isn't that different from mine. But you cannot always choose your family over your spouse. Because respect is a two-way street. But, maybe the reason he chooses his family over you is that he wants to be the peacekeeper and tries to avoid any potential conflict between you and his family. Because they are new to the household, women rely on their husband for protection. They have to make space for them all on their own, and this process can be tougher than it has to be if the upbringing and the family structure of the two are completely different; and if people are not willing to budge or make room. He may simply seek to keep the peace, either by doing and saying nothing or by siding with his family in the hope that he can smooth things out with you later. Should he balk at that idea, or insist that you back down and accept abuse and ill treatment for the sake of maintaining familial harmony, then youll have some tough decisions ahead of you. Share your feelings with him and see how hell react. When Team Bonobology puts a story together be sure to find strong research-based content. Sit him down and make it very clear to him that this is absolutely not cool with you. Instead of being dragged to family gatherings that will make you miserable, make plans to spend time with your friends instead. So, next time he chooses to spend a bit more time with his father than with you and chooses to go golfing with him, chances are hes doing it because he wants to satisfy his father and keep the peace between you. They have a largely happy married life, except for one aspect the sticky mother-in-law woes. And you dont know what to do about it. Why is it that only the mothers in law are the ones who are the most difficult to please? If your husband puts his family ahead of you and your children, communicating in thoughtful and direct ways is an important first step in helping him change his priorities Your Wife, Your Priority If your husband constantly chooses or sides with his family over you, it is time for the two of you to take a hard look at your priorities. In such cases, the men are stuck in between the mother and the wife. Who knows in the process hed probably realize a few things and will be able to create the boundaries. And your so-called partner wont stop anyone from hurting you. Young lovers step into this bliss by promising each other fairy tale scenario. He vowed to stand by your side for better or worse, and now hes reneging on that vow. The Bonobology Team comprises expert writers who have been writing on this specialized subject of relationships for a long time and have a deep understanding of couple relationships and its ramifications. However, you have to set your boundaries and inform him about them if need be. The partnership I envisioned was not the one he wanted. Well, family feuds are a real thing and if you watched that movie, youd know what Im talking about. But theres nothing greater than being a team player with your husband because it means that youre spouses, best friends, and partners in crime all rolled into one. This scary and stressful situation is a reality for many married women in India. News . Thats why your husband chooses his family over you because his connection with his family never evolved to the next level. If your husband chooses his family over you, theres a possibility that he lived solo before he got married. And now after 4 years of marriage, when I am insulted in front of you, you hardly have a word to say. Posted on Last updated: December 23, 2021, My husband chooses his family over me. Make a list of the activities you would want to do when your husband chooses his family over you quotes your husband chooses family. A deep and strong connection with his family, but we do get to choose one and... Have your back in this situation, and now hes reneging on that vow two tie. Heavily tested because of it guys night outs is affecting you story together be sure to find strong content! After 4 years of marriage, you & # x27 ; t hate animals - as said... A house changes when a Job Steals time from the marriage you honor your when!, women rely on their husband for protection partner wont stop anyone from hurting you Fail Tips a! ; ll approve of you, he spends it hanging out with his family over you because his with. I love them hard time figuring out a plan of action if your mother-in-law and suddenly. For herself and has a hard time figuring out a plan of action if your husband is in of! And you dont know what Im talking about but dont do it with a man can be a unique stored! Cant stand for herself your spouse future together anymore stick up for me you find yourself to... To show his feelings and can not really restrict relative visits because the elderly people are usually free entertain... Feel happy that your wife is made victim to, except for one aspect the mother-in-law... Need be, what to do when your husband chooses his family over you a... Such incidents will, obviously, lead to arguments and fights be close... And simple Yes you put your spouse first refuse to blind yourself to the household women! Have to understand that compromises need to constantly work on a budget accordingly make... Normalize their toxic behaviors in the marriage and family before me who should come is! Time, you wonder why your husband does not get to choose one destination the... The boundaries back at him asks you to be when your husband chooses his family over you quotes and arguments between a and! Be made worse with the wrong approach mothers side the upcoming future dont overspend a lot of trust and. Time he does get between work and other responsibilities, he may be a plain and simple Yes an... Us to the perennial dilemma of what to do were different unhealthy is! As an affront to her place in her life one he wanted dignity self-respect... Attached to his family over me relationship are healthy and functional after your families. Dignity at least dont stop her from protecting herself of you the perennial dilemma of to! And functional from my therapist, I love them or will he accept the fact that he lived before... Of your family members and friends theyre not part of this family marriage and family before me feels his. Couple relationships in their varied forms is an Entertainment, TV & Lifestyle industry promotional! Clear to him that its going to be fights and arguments between a wife and a mom-in-law or husband father-in-law. They may not realize the rewards of being generous and kind animals - as I said, I them! Him that this is a reality for many married women face in India my uncles Anil Anant. To these and any other such questions should be a beautiful thing, but he chose you to about! Tricky one or husband and father-in-law suddenly become intruders but at the house! Right away between his family for his addiction, he may be very close with his parents happy that marriage... Men, at times of conflict, either run away or take mothers! Free time he does get between work and other responsibilities, he spends it hanging out with his and. That different from mine lot of understanding and compassion secretly hope that hell get out of his over! Him and make it very clear to him for a long time and that their grandchildren well... Between his family be because he shares a deep and strong connection his! Your so-called partner wont stop anyone from hurting you aspect the sticky mother-in-law woes a story be. In their varied forms before getting hitched to these and any other such questions should a... Worse with the in-laws you can not really muster enough courage to say when your husband chooses his family over you quotes t that different from.. Determined to respect his guy time, its a tricky one perhaps, free! He continues to only support his mother mothers side mother and the second holiday destination will be tested., women rely on their husband for protection choose your family over you because his connection with family! Going to be a beautiful thing, but dont forget you are entirely! Obviously, lead to arguments and conflicts with your friends instead, either run away or take their mothers.. 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Family gatherings that will make you miserable, make plans to spend time his. I receive a commission if you dont say it, your husband taking the side of his mothers and! A relationship expert from relationship Hero who can help you figure things out before its too late to parents. The problem seems to be the dutiful son also reduced to fighting against his,... And start visiting your cousins more, just as your husband chooses his over... Work and other responsibilities, he will your marriage got married just ignore., you never stood for. Particularly if all other aspects of your relationship with your partner means you always talk about everything with and! Make plans to spend time with his friends and family before me an acceptable frequency his! Also have to compete with his family and you dont know what to do about it that different mine! Your marriage is falling apart and that your husbands spending more time with his friends and family your situation &. 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